Argue Without Arguing
The next thing we're gonna do here after we've gotten people to act is to continue this relationship with people where we disagree and make choices that come from the disagreements. Let's talk about how to argue without arguing. I call this agreeability, which is the ability of arguing without appearing to argue. So keeping people comfortable in that state of cognitive ease. So what are you gonna do here? Remember I talked about being the audience? That is the first step. You be the audience. You listen. Collect the data points. You're really good at that, Mira-, Amanda. (laughs) How good am I? I got your name right. All right, so be the audience. Listen first. The next thing you do is banish this word from your vocabulary. The word is but. Don't say the word but when you're in any disagreement. It immediately throws people into system two. So that's saying, oh, I'm in a confrontation now. I'm freezing up. I'm starting to think. My brain is using all kinds of energy so I'm gonna stop a...
nd I'm gonna resist anything you say. Instead, you say yes and. Have you heard about this, the improv technique of yes and? Okay, a lotta people I think have. And, but the difference, what'd I say? However, the difference is that when you're talking about rhetoric, you're using it for a different purpose. You're not creating a situation that's gonna make people laugh. Instead, you're going to appear not to disagree. You're gonna say yes and. Now, by doing that, you are not trying to convey agreement necessarily. You are trying to convey agreeability. I acknowledge what you're saying. I am listening to you. I love you. I'm sending love beams outta my eyes, and I love this relationship and I like being with you. That doesn't mean I necessarily agree with you. This flat earth thing is really interesting and I'm interested in you, but that doesn't mean I'm agreeing with you about the flat earth. You're nodding your head saying yeah, and... Then you add to the conversation. This isn't easy. This is something called in the persuasion world concession. Now, concession traditionally, which was put together by extremely aggressive Greeks and Romans, meant taking your opponent's words and using them to your own advantage, using them against them. Ah, caught you. You said this. Now, you know... There's this famous scene in Roman literature where this young nobleman in the Roman senate is giving this speech, and this elderly senator yells, "What are you barking at, pup?" And the young man said, "I see a thief." So it's like, okay, I'm conceding. You think I'm a dog? What do dogs, why do dogs bark? 'Cause they're looking at a thief. So he's turned the person's words against him. That's classic concession. This is not what I'm talking about necessarily, but I am talking about the same results, which is taking the person's words, acknowledging them, and then adding to the conversation, bringing the conversation around to your frame. So yeah, yeah, if you fly in one direction, I get that, and 6000 miles, that's pretty cool. And what's really interesting is that you know that if you keep flying in that one direction, you end up in the same place. That's really interesting. Tell me more about your flat earth theory. Now, that's not saying, are you crazy? Like, you fly in one direction and you end up in the same place. Doesn't that mean the earth is a globe? Like, how can you do that without flying around a ball, not a flat plate? That's gonna push the person away from you, right? You're not gonna get any kinda agreement. Besides, you're gonna annoy everybody else at the Thanksgiving table. That's concession, right? It is a much nicer and more effective kind of concession than that guy saying, "I see a thief." And that's the improv thing.